Heaven, INC: Chapter 52: THE TROUBLE WITH ROSCOE

CHEM-STEAM CORPORATE OFFICE,
KEARNY MESA
1:01 P.M. PDT

WHILE ROSCOE didn’t come at them with the ball-peen hammer, there were some tense moments; with Roscoe’s unstable personality, there were always tense moments, especially when he’d just got off the phone with his nagging wife or his even more nagging boss, Karl. This afternoon? A nag-fest doubleheader that had Roscoe’s face glowing red as he stormed around the office screaming and throwing things and hammering holes in the wall and the whole time Owen subtly tracking his movements with a squirt-bottle full of extra-strong Deep-Kleen solution. In the end, Jimmy finally agreed to sign over most of his next paycheck, which Roscoe duly noted in his little black book of blackmail.

Roscoe saying then, “And don’t try double-crossing me, Music Man, or I’ll call my cousin and send you back to Butt-Fuck Land where you belong.”

For fun, Owen gave the squirt-bottle a little squeeze. When Roscoe screamed in dramatic agony, Owen apologized and said it was an accident and signed over half his own paycheck. Only then did Roscoe grin wickedly and say, “You frigging chump, that was all an act, I’m immune to that stuff, like a spider to its venom. I can drink pure DK with a little carpet-protectant chaser the way you drink lemonade.” He laughed. “And just so you know? I coulda taken your whole check, if I was so inclined, you frigging putz.”

Roscoe was still laughing when Owen gave the squirt-bottle a full pump and DeepKleen streamed out, catching Roscoe full in the face and sending him bellowing to the ground like a wounded hippo. Thus were Roscoe’s claims of absolute DeepKleen immunity, like so much he said, proven to be pure bullshit and exaggeration.

“I’m gonna kick your ass, you little fucker,” Roscoe bellowed. “And Jimmy, start packing your bags, cause I’m calling Calvin and getting you shipped back to the hole! My eyes! My goddamn eyes!”

After leading Roscoe to the sink— subsequent to taking the ball-peen hammer from him— Jimmy and Owen got out in a hurry, Jimmy saying, “Let’s bounce before he gets the DK rinsed out of his eyes and comes at us with the shag extractor.”