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I came this [ ] close to my treatment TAKE ME OUT TO THE BAllGAME making it on Seinfeld, but it was the last season and it got squeezed out. Enjoy the Episode That Never Was.
SEINFELD TREATMENT: TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME
WRITTEN BY: C. WILLIAM BOYER
SEPTEMBER 12, 1996
TIMELINE:
Early October, days before World Series starts. Baltimore and Yankees battling in playoffs.
PREMISES:
George seeks employment with NFL League Offices.
Kramer is on a workout program to develop hand strength:
Kramer: Women love a man with a strong grip, Jerry.
It's good for sex too.
Jerry: (Smirking, shaking his head.):
Still a pawn in your own domain, aren't you.
Jerry wants a date with a gorgeous baseball fan and Yankee/Orioles fanatic. She's not interested, thinks he's not a man. Real men are into sports:
George: I like sports. Maybe she'd like to go out with me.
Jerry: I said she was a sports fanatic, George. I didn't say she was crazy.
Elaine is dating Yankee pitching Jack McDowell:
Elaine (Waving hands in air, gloating.): I'm going to the world series, I'm going to the World Seeeries.
Jerry: You're an Orioles fan. You hate the Yankees.
Elaine: Yeah. So?
Jerry: So don't you think he's gonna notice when you're not rooting for the Yankees?
Elaine: Jerry . . . I can fake nine innings of a baseball game. I faked enjoying sex with you, didn't I.
Costanzas’ 40th wedding anniversary coming up.
PLOT:
George goes to NFL league offices for first interview. In hallway, George runs into Paul Tagliabue and is introduced. George shakes hands and blows the handshake. Later, at Jerry's apartment, George tells Jerry of the encounter.
George: So I go to shake his hand, but he grabs my hand and just gets my fingers. It was a terrible handshake, Jerry, he probably thought he had a dead halibut, but I wasn't ready, he grabbed my hand too fast.
Jerry [Nodding sagely]: Fast-grabber.
George [Blinking]: Fast-grabber?
Jerry: It's a power play. Guy grabs people's hands first, makes them feel like they have a wimpy handshake. He's a fast-grabber.
[Commotion at door. Kramer enters, one of those squeezy hand-exerciser things in each hand. He tries opening cabinets in Jerry’s kitchen while still squeezing.]
Jerry (After blithely watching Kramer a moment, looks at George.): Ask him.
Kramer [Still squeezing, trying to open jar of peanut butter]: Ask me what?
George: What you think about people who blow the handshake.
Kramer [Still squeezing, opening]: You mean give just the fingers?
George: Right, just the fingers.
Kramer [Still squeezing]: Noooooo character.
Jerry: See, George. Paul Tagliabue's not going to hire you, he thinks
you have no character.
George: But not having character's what got me the Yankees job.
George decides to go on a regimen of hand-workouts with Kramer, practicing speed and strength in shaking hands. Scenes done Rocky-style. (George cracks eggs in glass. Raises glass to lips . . . then pours into griddle, adding cheese, bacon, etc.) Jerry tries to get date with baseball chick, says he's got tickets to the Yankees in the World Series; she agrees to date. Jerry buys Series tickets from George, who has connections. Elaine asks Jerry what he's getting for the Costanzas' 40th, Jerry says he doesn't know he's supposed to get them anything, he doesn't even like them; grudgingly ends up getting them movie tickets, but accidently, he puts the World Series tickets in the envelope instead of the movie tickets,and drops the card at the house. Meanwhile, George is still working out his hands, building strength with Kramer. Kramer's suddenly got women all over him, admiring his hand strength. Elaine still gloating about going to the World Series. Costanzas open the card, they're ecstatic, George never offered them Series tickets, they can't believe Jerry did and call to thank him. Jerry's upset. Asks George for more tickets. George tells Jerry those are the only tickets he can get for the Series. Jerry calls baseball fanatic chick, hints he might not have them, she's says, What'd you do, make it all up? Jerry weasels around, says no, he's got them. What's Jerry gonna do
George: There's only one thing you can do.
Jerry: What? What do I do?
George: You must enlist the aid of . . . the Angel of Darkness.
Jerry (Nodding, long pause): Neuman.
Neuman, a Baltimore fan . . . who taunts Jerry that Baltimore will beat the Yankees in the playoffs . . . Neuman also has tickets to the Series, albeit only if Baltimore wins the playoffs. Regardless, he won't sell them to Jerry. Jerry hires the Angel of Darkness to steal back the Yankee Series tickets. While Neuman is breaking into the Costanza place, George and Kramer sneak into Yankee Stadium to work on more hand exercises. They run into Jack McDowell. George shakes hands, screws it up again, then Kramer shakes McDowell's hand and breaks it---- cut to Neuman being caught by Frank Costanza in the house with the Yankee tickets.
End result? Because of McDowell's injury, Baltimore wins and the Yankees miss going to Series. Word gets to NFL Offices---- George's out. Elaine is dumped by McDowell when he finds out she knows Kramer and George. Tickets Neuman steals for Jerry are worthless so sexy baseball fanatic dumps Jerry and hooks up with Neuman, who takes her to the World Series. Kramer develops tendinitis in his hands and can't work out anymore---- Stroker's Palm.
Final Scene: Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer watching the game at Jerry’s. Cut to telivision-screen crowd shot showing Neuman and the Baseball Chick. Neuman catches home-run ball and looks right into camera.
Run credits.
